Lost

I can almost see it going away,
I’m surrendering to the ways of the world.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way,
I was supposed to bend my world to me.
I was to follow my path,
Build one if it wasn’t there.
My arrogance has let me down,
My soul crunching bitterness,
It split the spirit in me.

Now I look back at me,
My alter ego stands in the distance,
Not laughing at me,
Not regretting my decisions,
It’s just as emotionless as me.
And I wonder,
And I don’t understand anything,
Would things have been different?
Would fulfilled dreams give me feelings?

Will the pointless ever make sense?
Will my loneliness ever satisfy me?
Will the exodus in me ever subside?
Will it ever rise?
Will the lazy impatience pay off?
The gifts they promised for monotony,
The thrills they said would follow me.
And if I followed them,
I would have lost me anyway.

My plans seem like jokes,
My dreams and their ambitions,
My image of me withers in the wind.
Maybe it’s the missing past,
Probably the hollow in my soul,
Maybe the faith that never dies,
It still remains just my faith.
I almost have everything I lost,
There isn’t much I’ve missed.

In this huge little world,
There have been a billion opinions,
Six billion to be a little more precise,
I tried giving mine a place,
I misplaced it right on top.
So did everybody else,
Their respective opinions.
I need to trust mine more,
And make sure it works.

It’s strange you know,
A huge paradox of sorts,
My action betrays my faith,
And my faith betrays what I do.
They have their own opinions too.
I don’t know where I belong,
I don’t know where to put myself.
I try to put me on top,
But I forget to start from the bottom.

Fake love, Real blues.

I had a girl,
And I loved her right.
She didn’t even care,
She was so uptight.
Said, I don’t give a damn,
What you feel for me.
I’ll break your heart,
It’s a thrill for me.
So I left her there,
In the middle of town.
She cried and told everyone,
I let her down.

Every time I see her,
I remember she hurt me.
But I control my temper,
She’s not even worth it.
Says, she’ll never love anyone,
Like she loved me.
I say, girl let me tell you,
You didn’t even love me.
I could see it always,
With every move you made.
It’s hard to believe,
You were really that fake.

War inside.

I will always feel this void,
The bits of life you took away,
I don’t know if I’ll ever have them,
Or if things will change even if I do.

But this feeling inside,
Every time I’m reminded.
Sends my temper shooting,
I could almost explode,
It’s like a war inside.

But there’s a bitter acceptance,
That I’ll never get it back.
I just have to live this way,
Though it’s not like I planned.

But this rage inside,
With all my pride,
Wants to fight with you,
And snatch it back.
But you won my time.

Oh, and this feeling inside,
Every time I’m reminded.
Sends my temper shooting,
I could almost explode,
It’s like a war inside.

I wish(to get it right)

I’m on a learning curve,
And I want to get to the straight,
And I want to get there fast,
I hope I don’t skid off.

But my imagination humbles my ability,
It always has.
I wish to learn enough to get it right.

This learning curve is different,
I’m focusing as hard as I can.
I feel I can do better,
But why is this so important?

It could be the time that it’s taking,
It always is.
I wish to be patient enough to get it right.

I need to get through this,
There’s more at stake this time.
I hope to take it across,
This responsibility on my shoulders.

And the courage seems to be coming through,
It always does.
I wish for strength enough to get it right.

Not possible

It’s alright,
Not being loved or looked after.
Because it’s just not possible,
That there’s nobody there,
Waiting to love you.
Knows your silent mouth,
Almost as well as you.

It’s just not possible,
That there’s nobody there,
Who loves you for the same reasons,
The one’s that you love yourself for,
Because you’re human too.

Dreams.

I have nothing to show,
Only my dreams
And a little hope,
And I know its right.

But the present fools the future,
And I’m living in the moment.
Reality fools my dreams,
But my dreams fuel reality.

And a part of my dreams,
Is to live my dreams.

High

I’ve lived a little life
Had a lot of fun.
Different kinds of fun.
Dancing in the rain,
Shining in the sun.
Playing my guitar,
And crying to the blues.

Fun, they have a lot.
But to live your life, they say,
You’ve got to hold a drink.
To lose yourself, they say,
Is clearly seeing everything.
You have fun with your consciousness,
But the world is huge you see,
Yourself isn’t enough.

When it gets out of your mind,
Do the kaleidoscopes disappear?
Does the honking still seem like music?
Can you still dance to Beethoven?

You’re back to you again,
The misery stays and smirks,
Coffee and aspirin always works.
Desperately trying to be someone
You were running away from.

Story Collector.

Nothing’s changed,
You’re still the same.
You aren’t worth much,
Without my stories.

I’d let you keep my stories,
If I meant more than them to you.

But it’s probably me,
I put you above my stories,
I put you above me.

Insecurity.

You return again and again,
You torture me every time,
You make me realise life,
How I’ll be inactive in death.
You let me know I’m living,
You’re my insecurity.

You force me to realise so much,
I let it go into death,
Kill myself slowly every day,
But realise I’m still alive,
And I look forward to dying.
You’re why I hate life,
You’re why I love life,
You’re why I’m alive.
You’re my insecurity.

I look for what you’re not,
I’ll, maybe, find what I’m not.
And I, still, will live.
I can only be insecure while I’m alive.
That’s what I need you to help me with,
Because that’s how I help myself.